It’s been almost six months since my encounter with church leadership. On a personal level, regarding my relationships with individuals, wounds have been healed. I have no ill will for those who contributed to my pain last July. My attention was first directed towards forgiveness and healing the relationships which were affected, and while some will never quite be the same again, they are good. But on a systemic community level, the wounds felt too deep to heal. The betrayal and confusion left me raw. I haven’t known where to go from here.
While I did keep a journal these last few months, the last thing I’ve wanted to do was write publicly again. My heart, my thoughts, my soul would never again be open to censure. I’d sit alone forever with my God. And the longer I’ve sat, the more I’ve felt isolated and without purpose. This seems like it would be a bad thing, but it hasn’t been. The solitude and meaninglessness has returned me to a peaceful, simple existence. I can sense the immensity of space and time and feel my insignificance, while at the same time understand my profound importance and become completely swallowed up in the love that every part of this universe has for every other part.
In this void, I have found the purest acceptance for the nothing that includes everything. I realize it sounds enigmatic. But I believe it is a shared human experience to become familiar with that void in some way, so I include everyone, whether they understand me or not. Maybe when we stop running from it or avoiding it we’ll find the connection we all long for.
So, here I am writing, again. I don’t know where it will lead. I have no purpose or plan. I have no soap box to stand on. I reluctantly do something I still do not want to do. I don’t feel called to write or share any particular message. I have no desire to be seen. I have no delusion that the world will somehow miraculously change just because I’m in it. I am so small. But somewhere in the nothing is a small light that is my true self. And that light finds itself sometimes speaking through words and wondering if I’ll record them. So, I guess I will.