Letting go...

It’s been nice to just live without many words for a little while. I wasn’t trying to do that, it just happened, and I let it. Because the Universe and I have a deal… I will allow it to always work in my favor, even when it doesn't feel like it, and it will send me beautiful experiences and people to brighten and enliven my life. It’s really a lovely relationship.

As I moved through the world with fewer words, both verbal and in my mind, I’ve found nothing. That’s also really lovely. I didn’t try to clear my mind or anything like that. I just dropped out of the conversation like I do at a party when I’ve realized I’m either going to make myself look like a fool or make everyone else look like fools. I just stopped talking back. My mind would race and I’d let it. It would provoke me to respond and I’d let it try. Eventually, it just slowed down. Like it said, “Oh, you just want to sit here? Alright, I guess I’m good with that.”

Everything changed. Over the last few years I’ve spent a lot of time reading about different religions and cultural histories. I have my favorites, but none that call to me as a way of life to attach to. I feel free to just be. Emotions and thoughts have become my 6th and 7th senses. They aren’t much more than my body’s way of interpreting it’s environment, and just like any other sense, I let them tell their story and then I decide how I want to act.

When I’m angry, it’s okay. I trust that it isn’t my nature to hurt others, and that angry actions only happen when I seek to suppress the anger or tell myself that my anger isn’t healthy. So, the anger comes and tells its story. I hear what it’s trying to tell me. It can stay as long as it wants, and more often than not we end up laughing together over how silly life can be and it goes on its way. I didn’t have to say much of anything.

When I write, I write more in my personal journal. The internet immortalizes individual posts as stand-alone statements that exist unchanged while the landscape of my own adventure twists and turns, until each entry becomes just a moment in time that while once was true is no longer truth. But no one sees a journal that way. Judgement is tempered by an understanding that we all change over time. The internet isn’t so kind.

Every time I go to take my website down I reminisce on the good times, and the great advantage it has been to have a place to be vulnerable and open. But my attachment to it, my need to be heard, and even my desire to publish wanes. I’m okay without so many words. And I also cherish all that words can do to help us connect, even with their severe limitations.

I am grateful for how the words have helped me make sense of my world as I dealt with so many seemingly large ideas. And I’m grateful that the words aren’t demanding that I stay true when I’m ready to just walk on in silence. There are no enemies, no crusades, nothing to prove. I’m resting, and the words are happy to rest too.

I’m following my interests now. Whatever calls to me, for however long it calls. Geology, astronomy, hydroponics, quantum biology, spiritual psychology, herbal healing, and even just managing my company, whatever invites me to explore. I might even finally learn how the drip system works in my yard. I slowly move through my day taking in every part of it. When there’s nothing I need to know, everything is filled with wonder. That’s where I live now.

Thank you for being here, and always supporting me. I'm letting the blog go but I'm still here. You can email me at rachellogan5@gmail.com or message me on Messenger.